"Things go away to return, brightened for the passage." -A.R. Ammons

As I people-watch from the second floor of the UL on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, more fondly known as LDOC amongst the community,  I can't help but reflect on my first year at UNC-Chapel Hill.  Admittedly, I did not venture far from home.  The trip back to my house for the summer will take no longer than 10 minutes.  I'm sure I could come back an visit anytime I'd like, and I'm positive I will be seeing Franklin in the near future.

However...it will be different.  There won't be thousands of people around to watch me stumble on a loose brick.  This campus is teeming with life, especially now on LDOC, when every classroom feels like a growing bubble that's about to pop.

Though I will be back next year, and 2 years after that, each semester will be different.  I will make the transition between dorms, meet new people, try out/fail new classes, and I probably won't see a lot of the people I see on a daily basis today.  College is not like high school.  At least my college, anyways.  At my college, you can sit in the window of the library and see faces that you've never seen before...and may not ever see again.

I can't believe how fast it's already flown by.  I was on the phone with my dad last night, an occasion that I wish I would facilitate more often, and he told me that it's only going to get faster...and blurrier.  Unfortunately, as I'm caught up in a whirlwind of finals and papers, I can't seem to find the time and appreciate my school for the last week I have here.  So this is my tribute to you, Carolina.  I never want to leave.

"May the holes in your net be no larger than the fish in it." -Irish Blessing

There is nothing I miss more than sitting out on the top deck of my beach house on Topsail Island, NC.  Overlooking the sound.  Seeing the occasional flounder-gigging skiff cross the channel.  But most intriguing to me are the stars.

There is no clearer sky in the world than above the top deck.  I'll sit out there alone, or with company.  I'll sit out there when its eighty degrees, and I'll sit out there when it's twenty (if you knew me this is a huge testament to my top deck adoration...I do not do cold weather).

It started, like most things, when I was little with my parents.  My dad and his friends would sit out there and play some Creedence Clearwater Revival and smoke cigars until three o'clock in the morning.  Mom and her friends would talk out on the top deck with White Russians until they ran out of good ol' Chapel Hill small-town gossip.

I will never forget the time that Dad was holding my little brother, who had to be about five or six at the time, on his lap as he smoked the last of his cigar.  The ashes fell into my brother's hair and I was scared that Dad was going to catch his head on fire...an eight-year-old me got so angry that I scolded my father for being dangerous!  He laughed at me which made me even angrier.

We all started getting older, the adults started going to bed earlier.  However, my friends and I keep the tradition going.  Each night at Topsail, we grab our own blankets and head out to sit in the high-chairs and hang our feet off the deck's balcony.

That might be my favorite place in the world.

"Study without thought is vain; thought without study is dangerous." -Confucious

Since pretty much no one reads this blog, I feel that I am entitled to say whatever I want right now.  And you honestly have no idea how many ideas are swirling around in my head... a bit like if you rolled one-thousand quarters down an upside-down traffic cone that was the size of the Empire State Building.  Those would be my thoughts.  In my head.

And just like the quarters, it seems as though no matter how big my traffic-cone head is, my thoughts all smack onto the pavement in no time at all.  Going from such a high to such a low in milliseconds...thus is the story of my life.

I really should be studying for a test right now.  But, go figure, this is the only time in the past few months I haven't had "blogger's block" (does that exist? did I just come up with that term? *pro-blogger status*).  I have a Geography test at 9:30 tomorrow morning.  But it seems I can only focus on one thing...

How do we, as feeble-minded and ever-fleeting humans, know when enough is enough?  I'm not talking about food or anything like that, though that could definitely be applicable to a large part of the United States...if you haven't seen Super-Size Me go see it, it will change your life.  Anyways, what I'm referring to is a bit more *philosophical* (oh you fancy, huh).  But in life, or at the very least my life, the lines are blurred.  How are we supposed to know when to stop studying ourselves? Our partners? Our friends? Our families?  We critique everything, to the point of not even knowing when we have already failed.  Or, on rare occasions, succeeded.

Warning: depressing concept alert.  Life is failure.  It's honestly just a bunch of failure flowers in one big neurotic vase filled about half-way with cynicism water.  And I am one of the lucky ones!  I have a family that loves me, friends that love me, a boyfriend who loves me.  Yet I challenge all of it, critique all of it.  Will I ever just stop studying?  Preparing? Stressing out over things that I'm lucky to have?

To be honest with all of the hundreds of thousands of you that read my blog, I probably won't.  There's no final exam.  The stress is never off.  The Friday night of life never comes.  I've been programmed my entire life to question, to challenge, and to make myself better.

It will probably be my downfall.

"Study without thought is vain;  thought without study is dangerous."


I guess I'll just have to try to live a little bit more dangerously.

"Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life happens. The good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the awesome and the not-as-awesome.

Awesome: Duke losing. To anyone. Ever.
Not-as-awesome: UNC potentially getting spanked by Kentucky.

Awesome: Someone pulling up to your doorstep at 11 PM blasting Christmas music and grabbing you for a holiday dance to kick off the season.
Not-as-awesome: Dorm violation meetings (what ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?!)

Awesome: Cats.
Not-as-awesome: 10-page public policy papers.

Awesome: Breakfast in bed.
Not-as-awesome: Having to eat the homemade soup in your fridge your mom gave you a week ago, that has probably gone bad, but you have nowhere to dispose of it because the sink will clog, the toilet already doesn't flush, and you can't take the trash out til next week (hashtag dorm life?)

Awesome: The VS Fashion Show (for obvious reasons)
Not-as-awesome: The VS Fashion Show (for more obvious reasons)

Awesome: Christmas is coming!
Not-as-awesome: I have no money!

Awesome: Having a namesake.
Not-as-awesome: Having a name no one can pronounce.

Awesome: Fraternity Christmas decorations
Not-as-awesome: Sorority Christmas decorations

Awesome: When dad wants to get lunch with me...
Not-as-awesome: ...in the cafeteria


The awesome, however, is always worth the not-as-awesome.

"If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you would have given your child the greatest of all blessings." -Brian Tracy

My mom and dad...

Orcas Island Summer 2011

...enough said.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listen's but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." -Marilyn Monroe

-the mexican jumping bean you get in your stomach when something goes right
-the peanut-butter stuck lump you get in your throat when something goes wrong
-the security you feel from a hand on your lower back
-the insecurity you feel when you know that a single person can crush you with little effort
-the comfort of not needing to make an impression
-the pressure of needing to keep the spark alive
-the want and need to be only with them
-the disappointment when they are unavailable
-the divine standards you hold them up to
-the realization that they are merely human
-the knowledge that you'll always have someone to depend on
-the knowledge that you'll never be independent
-the times you are grateful for someone who will always listen to you
-the times you want to scream just to make sure you are heard
-the feeling that you want to hold them so tight and never let them go
-the feeling that China is not far enough away

If you do not understand what I am describing...obviously you have never been in love.

Love is awful.  Terrible.  Absolutely miserable.  I do not encourage it.

Love is, essentially, asking another person to make sacrifices on behalf of your well-being. And in return, ideally, that person would have the benefit of spending time with you.  Or, expecting you to make sacrifices in return.  Both apply.  Doesn't that sound unenjoyable?  We watch movies, we see the princess fall in love with the prince, we see the nerdy high school girl land the hot football jock...did you see the word sacrifice anywhere in there? Me neither.

We are taught to love love.  The world shows us these picturesque relationships...these happily ever afters.  And then our Disney Generation grows up and wonders..."Why is this so hard??"

Unfortunately, we aren't designed, as humans, to act selflessly.  Unless you are a saint, it DOES NOT come naturally.  We look out for #1...and then run into trouble when we fall in love with #2.

Like I said before, love is miserable.  There are no two ways about it.  But if you're going to be miserable, why not do it with someone you admire.  And respect.  And value above all else.  If you're going to make sacrifices, give for someone who you want to be with more than anything.  What do you know, those sacrifices don't seem like such a big deal anymore.  Don't wake him up if he's snoring.  Let her be little spoon, even though you know your arm's about to hurt for 8 hours.  Hey..this isn't so bad.

The trick is finding that person.  That one person that you'd rather constantly fight with than be in love with anyone else.  It's gonna be hard.  Harder than you can imagine.  But I'm sorry Marilyn...as much as this feeling tries to rip me apart, only a fool would give it up.

ELU

"What is not started today is never finished tomorrow." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So, to be completely honest with you, I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'll start by telling you a bit about myself.  I'm eighteen years old, and a freshman at UNC-Chapel Hill.  I've been born and bred (and brainwashed) a tarheel.  I bleed blue...light blue, mind you. Before college, I attended a private Catholic  school in Raleigh, and had a wonderfully stereotypical high school experience. I was the captain of my nationally-ranked high school dance team, dated the captain of our conference-champs football team, made decent grades, and had good friends. You're excused to go vomit now...just kidding : )

Unfortunately, most of that didn't transition with me to college.  So far, college has been an abundance of almost's.  Almost making those tryouts.  Almost getting to bed before 2 AM.  Almost catching the bus.  Almost getting that A (ok, let's be real, B...).  But to be honest, it's been so much fun.  I wouldn't trade anything for the experiences I've had because of some of the mistakes I've made.  Like knowing your friends have your back. Or even better, realizing that you have their backs, regardless of situation or consequence.  Whoa now, give it a break on the mushy stuff.

I started a blog because I miss writing.  I'm not entirely sure what I want to write about.  I feel bad for whatever y'all have to read until I find out what I DO want to write about.  All I know is I want to put my thoughts into text. Good luck and God's speed to he who has the courage (and the willpower...) to keep reading.