Saturday, July 7, 2012


Sitting on the top deck overlooking the sound. Writing from my phone so you know I'm desperate. I need prayers. I need someone to look after me. Mostly I just need so many prayers.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." -George MacDonald

What is trust?

How do we choose those that we deem worthy of our trust?

Almost every single relationship is built on trust.  Friends, family, partners, co-workers, teammates.  It is the foundation of a tower that should only grow taller and taller with love and respect.

But let's say that some foundations are erected using some pretty faulty building codes.  Assume that the builders were sloppy, or just chose to overlook the imperfections.  Suppose the foundation begins to crack, just as something more substantial is being built on it.

All of the sudden, you're left with instability.  Nothing can be built on a cracked foundation.  No matter how extravagant the tower, it will eventually come tumbling down with even the slightest disturbance.

So much time is wasted among the rubble of a collapsed relationship.  At first, you try to pick up the pieces and rebuild from the ground up.  But you're out of money, and energy, and effort.  You soon realize it is useless.  There will be no starting over.  You will have to build a new building entirely, starting with a new,  flawless foundation.

I'm willing to start over and rebuild.  I am willing to save up more time, energy, and effort to create a new foundation, and eventually, a new relationship.

Unfortunately... I'm not sure that I want to.


Monday, May 14, 2012

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" -Albert Einstein

People are insane.  If there is one thing that I can clearly take away from my experiences of growing into adulthood, it's that people are downright crazy.  Not just some people, either.  Everyone is absolutely out of their minds.  

Myself included.

I use a public internet domain as a diary.  Crazy.

Anyways, to my fellow crazy people, I offer some humble advice:

1. Treat your waitress with respect.  Even if you can't tip her well, at least treat her well.  She's serving you a meal she probably can't afford.

2. If you say you're going to do something, do it.  Talk is cheap.  Don't be cheap...

3.  Don't be cheap.  Be frugal. Save money for nice things instead of spending it on cheap things.

4. Don't take the sound of rain on the rooftop for granted.  You'll probably live in a dorm room/apartment/prison cell/mom's basement at some point in your life where little things like this are impossible to appreciate.

4. Please, for the love of all that is good and just on the Internet, do not publicize your personal life via Facebook/Twitter/Blogspot ( least no one reads this). I don't care if you found the absolute perfect depressing quote from The Notebook to express your current relationship status.  Refrain.

5. Manicures are well worth the money.

6. Manners are more important than almost anything.  There isn't a person in this world who doesn't appreciate "yes ma'am" or "no sir."

7. Read lots and lots of books. Twilight doesn't count.

8. Make sure the family recipes are written down and can be passed down.  I sure do miss my grandma's meatloaf.

9. Be able to tell the difference between the friends who will be there and the friends who are simply there. 

10. Don't judge.  You don't know.  You have no idea.  

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Things go away to return, brightened for the passage." -A.R. Ammons

As I people-watch from the second floor of the UL on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, more fondly known as LDOC amongst the community,  I can't help but reflect on my first year at UNC-Chapel Hill.  Admittedly, I did not venture far from home.  The trip back to my house for the summer will take no longer than 10 minutes.  I'm sure I could come back an visit anytime I'd like, and I'm positive I will be seeing Franklin in the near future. will be different.  There won't be thousands of people around to watch me stumble on a loose brick.  This campus is teeming with life, especially now on LDOC, when every classroom feels like a growing bubble that's about to pop.

Though I will be back next year, and 2 years after that, each semester will be different.  I will make the transition between dorms, meet new people, try out/fail new classes, and I probably won't see a lot of the people I see on a daily basis today.  College is not like high school.  At least my college, anyways.  At my college, you can sit in the window of the library and see faces that you've never seen before...and may not ever see again.

I can't believe how fast it's already flown by.  I was on the phone with my dad last night, an occasion that I wish I would facilitate more often, and he told me that it's only going to get faster...and blurrier.  Unfortunately, as I'm caught up in a whirlwind of finals and papers, I can't seem to find the time and appreciate my school for the last week I have here.  So this is my tribute to you, Carolina.  I never want to leave.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

"May the holes in your net be no larger than the fish in it." -Irish Blessing

There is nothing I miss more than sitting out on the top deck of my beach house on Topsail Island, NC.  Overlooking the sound.  Seeing the occasional flounder-gigging skiff cross the channel.  But most intriguing to me are the stars.

There is no clearer sky in the world than above the top deck.  I'll sit out there alone, or with company.  I'll sit out there when its eighty degrees, and I'll sit out there when it's twenty (if you knew me this is a huge testament to my top deck adoration...I do not do cold weather).

It started, like most things, when I was little with my parents.  My dad and his friends would sit out there and play some Creedence Clearwater Revival and smoke cigars until three o'clock in the morning.  Mom and her friends would talk out on the top deck with White Russians until they ran out of good ol' Chapel Hill small-town gossip.

I will never forget the time that Dad was holding my little brother, who had to be about five or six at the time, on his lap as he smoked the last of his cigar.  The ashes fell into my brother's hair and I was scared that Dad was going to catch his head on eight-year-old me got so angry that I scolded my father for being dangerous!  He laughed at me which made me even angrier.

We all started getting older, the adults started going to bed earlier.  However, my friends and I keep the tradition going.  Each night at Topsail, we grab our own blankets and head out to sit in the high-chairs and hang our feet off the deck's balcony.

That might be my favorite place in the world.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

"Study without thought is vain; thought without study is dangerous." -Confucious

Since pretty much no one reads this blog, I feel that I am entitled to say whatever I want right now.  And you honestly have no idea how many ideas are swirling around in my head... a bit like if you rolled one-thousand quarters down an upside-down traffic cone that was the size of the Empire State Building.  Those would be my thoughts.  In my head.

And just like the quarters, it seems as though no matter how big my traffic-cone head is, my thoughts all smack onto the pavement in no time at all.  Going from such a high to such a low in milliseconds...thus is the story of my life.

I really should be studying for a test right now.  But, go figure, this is the only time in the past few months I haven't had "blogger's block" (does that exist? did I just come up with that term? *pro-blogger status*).  I have a Geography test at 9:30 tomorrow morning.  But it seems I can only focus on one thing...

How do we, as feeble-minded and ever-fleeting humans, know when enough is enough?  I'm not talking about food or anything like that, though that could definitely be applicable to a large part of the United States...if you haven't seen Super-Size Me go see it, it will change your life.  Anyways, what I'm referring to is a bit more *philosophical* (oh you fancy, huh).  But in life, or at the very least my life, the lines are blurred.  How are we supposed to know when to stop studying ourselves? Our partners? Our friends? Our families?  We critique everything, to the point of not even knowing when we have already failed.  Or, on rare occasions, succeeded.

Warning: depressing concept alert.  Life is failure.  It's honestly just a bunch of failure flowers in one big neurotic vase filled about half-way with cynicism water.  And I am one of the lucky ones!  I have a family that loves me, friends that love me, a boyfriend who loves me.  Yet I challenge all of it, critique all of it.  Will I ever just stop studying?  Preparing? Stressing out over things that I'm lucky to have?

To be honest with all of the hundreds of thousands of you that read my blog, I probably won't.  There's no final exam.  The stress is never off.  The Friday night of life never comes.  I've been programmed my entire life to question, to challenge, and to make myself better.

It will probably be my downfall.

"Study without thought is vain;  thought without study is dangerous."

I guess I'll just have to try to live a little bit more dangerously.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

"Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life happens. The good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the awesome and the not-as-awesome.

Awesome: Duke losing. To anyone. Ever.
Not-as-awesome: UNC potentially getting spanked by Kentucky.

Awesome: Someone pulling up to your doorstep at 11 PM blasting Christmas music and grabbing you for a holiday dance to kick off the season.
Not-as-awesome: Dorm violation meetings (what ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?!)

Awesome: Cats.
Not-as-awesome: 10-page public policy papers.

Awesome: Breakfast in bed.
Not-as-awesome: Having to eat the homemade soup in your fridge your mom gave you a week ago, that has probably gone bad, but you have nowhere to dispose of it because the sink will clog, the toilet already doesn't flush, and you can't take the trash out til next week (hashtag dorm life?)

Awesome: The VS Fashion Show (for obvious reasons)
Not-as-awesome: The VS Fashion Show (for more obvious reasons)

Awesome: Christmas is coming!
Not-as-awesome: I have no money!

Awesome: Having a namesake.
Not-as-awesome: Having a name no one can pronounce.

Awesome: Fraternity Christmas decorations
Not-as-awesome: Sorority Christmas decorations

Awesome: When dad wants to get lunch with me...
Not-as-awesome: the cafeteria

The awesome, however, is always worth the not-as-awesome.