-the mexican jumping bean you get in your stomach when something goes right
-the peanut-butter stuck lump you get in your throat when something goes wrong
-the security you feel from a hand on your lower back
-the insecurity you feel when you know that a single person can crush you with little effort
-the comfort of not needing to make an impression
-the pressure of needing to keep the spark alive
-the want and need to be only with them
-the disappointment when they are unavailable
-the divine standards you hold them up to
-the realization that they are merely human
-the knowledge that you'll always have someone to depend on
-the knowledge that you'll never be independent
-the times you are grateful for someone who will always listen to you
-the times you want to scream just to make sure you are heard
-the feeling that you want to hold them so tight and never let them go
-the feeling that China is not far enough away
If you do not understand what I am describing...obviously you have never been in love.
Love is awful. Terrible. Absolutely miserable. I do not encourage it.
Love is, essentially, asking another person to make sacrifices on behalf of your well-being. And in return, ideally, that person would have the benefit of spending time with you. Or, expecting you to make sacrifices in return. Both apply. Doesn't that sound unenjoyable? We watch movies, we see the princess fall in love with the prince, we see the nerdy high school girl land the hot football jock...did you see the word sacrifice anywhere in there? Me neither.
We are taught to love love. The world shows us these picturesque relationships...these happily ever afters. And then our Disney Generation grows up and wonders..."Why is this so hard??"
Unfortunately, we aren't designed, as humans, to act selflessly. Unless you are a saint, it DOES NOT come naturally. We look out for #1...and then run into trouble when we fall in love with #2.
Like I said before, love is miserable. There are no two ways about it. But if you're going to be miserable, why not do it with someone you admire. And respect. And value above all else. If you're going to make sacrifices, give for someone who you want to be with more than anything. What do you know, those sacrifices don't seem like such a big deal anymore. Don't wake him up if he's snoring. Let her be little spoon, even though you know your arm's about to hurt for 8 hours. Hey..this isn't so bad.
The trick is finding that person. That one person that you'd rather constantly fight with than be in love with anyone else. It's gonna be hard. Harder than you can imagine. But I'm sorry Marilyn...as much as this feeling tries to rip me apart, only a fool would give it up.
So, to be completely honest with you, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'll start by telling you a bit about myself. I'm eighteen years old, and a freshman at UNC-Chapel Hill. I've been born and bred (and brainwashed) a tarheel. I bleed blue...light blue, mind you. Before college, I attended a private Catholic school in Raleigh, and had a wonderfully stereotypical high school experience. I was the captain of my nationally-ranked high school dance team, dated the captain of our conference-champs football team, made decent grades, and had good friends. You're excused to go vomit now...just kidding : )
Unfortunately, most of that didn't transition with me to college. So far, college has been an abundance of almost's. Almost making those tryouts. Almost getting to bed before 2 AM. Almost catching the bus. Almost getting that A (ok, let's be real, B...). But to be honest, it's been so much fun. I wouldn't trade anything for the experiences I've had because of some of the mistakes I've made. Like knowing your friends have your back. Or even better, realizing that you have their backs, regardless of situation or consequence. Whoa now, give it a break on the mushy stuff.
I started a blog because I miss writing. I'm not entirely sure what I want to write about. I feel bad for whatever y'all have to read until I find out what I DO want to write about. All I know is I want to put my thoughts into text. Good luck and God's speed to he who has the courage (and the willpower...) to keep reading.